R · is · for · rocket

my car wouldn't start last night. we tried jumping it and that didn't work, so one of two things is wrong: my battery is completely dead, or my alternator is bad. assuming it's the alternator, i'm considering trying to replace it myself. is this completely crazy?

lauren and i were talking about religion and she said she'd been a member of some church (i forget what she called it) where she had to be set on fire to prove her faith. we were going down this corridor (floating, i suppose) and suddenly i see a woman on a white horse riding towards me. there is this transparent wall between us that seems to be sort of undulating, like a force field, and she reaches it before i do. when she goes through it, her eyes widen and her body stiffens, as though she can see something i can't. before i can stop, i go through it too (maybe she and i were the same person and i was seeing a mirror), and i realize i've been transported to someone's living room. before i can really think about where i am i start to feel something invading my consciousness, overtaking my body, and realize that i'm being possessed. i can feel my own mind be pushed back and a new one seeing through my eyes. my body goes stiff, by breathing becomes heavy, and i'm being levitated around the room. the whole time i'm convulsing wildly and i can feel whatever it is trying to speak through me. i try to fight it and so what ends up coming out are whimpers and moans. everyone in the room just looks up at me, completely terrified and speechless.

the moaning and convulsing were actually happening because chris had to physically shake me out of sleep. i've been told about the phenomenon where you wake up and can't move, but i'd never experienced it. when i finally came completely to, i felt like what i'd experienced was real, as if i'd been exposed to pure evil. i was actually scared to fall back asleep.

Where were you born?

Where do you live now?

Where would you rather be?

What does your room look like?

Who are you in love with?

What is your favorite band/singer?
(current)

(always)

What is your favorite movie?

What makes you happy?

What is your favorite sport?

What is your favorite drink?

What do you believe in?

What is your favorite smell?

What is your favorite fruit?

What are your plans for the future?

What is the last movie you watched?

What is your favorite food?

What was your favorite show growing up?

“Of all the teams in this tournament, this is huge for the city of Memphis,” Calipari said. “The city of Memphis is in the Bible Belt, a Godly place, a charitable place. But we’ve got a lot of poverty. We’ve got a lot of things going on. This, in Memphis, will mean more.”

love is a deeper season
than reason;
my sweet one
(and april's where we're)
e.e. cummings

it's been a while since i've done one of these, eh?
i cannot explain how excited i was by this little discovery. i planted three types of seeds just last friday: chamomile, spearmint, and lemon balm. i've been checking them every day (i'm rather impatient) but i certainly wasn't expecting them to come up so soon, especially since the directions said to let them sprout outside before bringing them in. chris can attest, i was more excited about this than i've been about anything in a very long time. i think i exclaimed something like, "it must be my lucky day!"

i think this rather cruel april fool's joke is hard evidence that google is reading the minds of its users. primarily my mars-loving bradbury-influenced fantasies. for a moment--one beautiful, electric moment--i thought all my dreams had come true. oh, the disappointment. nevermind how foolish i felt for believing it in the first place. ah well.

also, i may be about to spend, oh, somewhere around $100 on a swimsuit. tell me: what have i become? granted, it is this swimsuit which might be worth the money just to not have to feel so silly and self-conscious:

is this spring? i'm trying not to miss it.

i have been in love with zooey deschanel since...well, i don't remember when it started but i love her. everything she does makes my mind explode with poppies and stardust.

just about all the men in my life are comic book fans. i could tell you each of my friends' favorite characters and i've come to understand why people relate so much to them. i've adopted it as a sort of modern mythology. it makes sense...there is a sort of universal desire to be all things to all people. to be famous, strong, smart, and to be able to right all the wrongs in the world.

the most important comic book fan in my life has been a superman fan since before he could speak. he is unabashedly obsessed, i would say. now, i would also say that superman is sort of the vanilla ice cream of superheroes. he's pretty much the best at everything and was raised on a farm in middle america. in today's world that translates as boring, and not very relatable. and yet there are tons of guys out there who still pick superman as their favorite.

i'm saying "guys" because that's who i'm talking about. being generally intrigued by issues of gender, and grant morrison's brief reference to "the male experience," i got to thinking about what superman represents as a character, and how it relates to the problems a lot of men face in our society. these things could really apply to a lot of male superheroes, but superman's superiority is what makes him the best example, i think.

ultimately, superman is an alien. he looks like a human, was raised by loving human parents, and has all the range of human emotions: love and compassion, yes, but also anger and grief and jealousy. the world, even other superheroes, expect him to be a god. to be stoic in the face of danger. but superman gets scared sometimes, you know? he gets confused. he feels a part of and simultaneously alienated by the rest of the world. i just think it's a perfect example of how a lot of men feel trapped inside themselves. they have unnecessary expectations placed on them which they want to live up to but also resent. they're jealous of the people around them for being successful, or loved, or content...each of them thinking that they're completely alone.

i think that's why superman reflects this more than anyone else. i think that's why he's still relatable. because he's the strongest, the fastest, the most loved and the best at everything. and yet he still struggles, he still feels alone, and no matter how much good he ultimately does it'll never quite be enough.

( in the words of grant morrison )

in 431 years the beatles' "across the universe," in the form of radio waves, will collide with polaris.

artificially intelligent robots have evolved and learned how to lie. no shit.

i don't know. is anyone else as frustrated as i am with the fact that we're only allowed one measly blink towards the entire history of man? i want to see the future. i want to learn everything. i want to live forever. those people who say, "life wouldn't be worth living if it wasn't going to end." those people can go suck an egg. i don't know that i'd want to be immortal, but a few thousand extra years would be nice.
i've been thinking about it so much lately and i think i've developed an unnatural obsession with death. or rather, my obsession is probably more with life, and death therefore has become my enemy. i almost typed "mortal enemy." ha! i think about it constantly, as though it's the mistress of someone i love dearly. i want to find a way to beat it!

i've always said i'd like to be cremated but now (assuming we don't find the fountain of youth before i die) i think i'd like to be cryogenically frozen. fire or ice. choose your own adventure.

ps-i keep writing entries and not posting them! what is wrong with me? it's like i can't write anything anymore, or if i do it just comes out all wrong. i can't communicate the pictures in my mind to the people around me. it's so frustrating, the limits of human language.

soaked to the bone and on the verge of an attack, i broke down and bought cigarettes. pulled over thinking, hell, i could’ve been that poor bastard on the stretcher, cold rain beating the blood away from the broken glass. cars absolutely terrify me, and then of course the whole world starts to look like one giant monster. that damn witch from something wicked starts to wrap her bony fingers around my heart and my lungs and what else could I do but smoke her out? ha! what an excuse, eh? you can just stop all that looming, life; i’m beating you to the punch!

if you're out there, person who googled me, and you're reading this, then make yourself known. i will not turn you into the cops, i promise. maybe we can even be friends if we aren't already.

i'm exaggerating, but yeah. lesson learned, life. thanks a ton.

in happier news, i'm less broke than i thought i was. which is to say i'm not broke. high-five for paid bills and the continuation of my decline into alcoholism! also an exaggeration, but not by much.

it's a funny thing, attempting to recall whether my memory has always been as bad as it is now. i flip through my mental calendar only to find that someone has smeared their tobacco-tarred fingers all over the numbers. i can remember things, but not days. faces with no names. all the impassioned exchange is lost upon waking and i find my cup empty again.

maybe it's not quite that bad. i am currently in a haze of caffeine and pain, and a little lightheaded at having had nothing but a banana so far today. to be a little more optimistic, i have stayed afloat of my schoolwork and have also managed to yank myself out of a rather nasty bout of paranoia, which just happens sometimes, with and without reason. it was bad this time; there were plenty of signs for me to mangle and misinterpret.

really though, it's wintertime, and we're in our twenties (which is the dark forest part of the story) and we're struggling with ourselves mostly, which makes it hard to understand eachother (spell check tells me this is two words, but i rather prefer it to be one). but we're currently afloat of that too, i think. so it's not all that dark right now. hazy, for sure, but that's my own fault.

so i will continue to hibernate until spring, when life comes back. i will finally go camping. liz is back from spain. we have months to plan and whatever hidden place to look forward to. i hope you all are making it.

this is one of my favorite things about sunday. one of these days i'll figure out the song and it'll be so satisfying that i'll actually be able to go back to sleep.